quidnunc-a-dunk

Mark the date

2006-04-17T09:40:00.000-04:00

Today is the day when America officially became culturally appalling. Today, April 17th, 2006, the following three events converged:

1) Scary Movie 4 made $41 Mil at the box office in its opening weekend.

2) An Omaha school district decided to segregate its public schools.

3) Hasbro is making Pussycat Dolls dolls and they are marketed to 6-9 year old girls. As the NYTimes reports "The toy line — which aims to mimic the act's playfully risqué style — is expected to be on sale by this year's holiday season. Hasbro executives estimate the dolls, intended for children aged 6 to 9, will be priced around $15, with the label receiving a royalty on sales. "

I don't even understand anymore.

Still proud to be a Spence girl

2006-03-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

From Gawker's Reading about Reading, a wonderful mention of my alma matter.

there’s nothing like reading about a bulimic 16-year-old Spence girl having sex in the service elevator of her Fifth Avenue apartment building, high on her alcoholic mother’s Percocet.

No, Gawker. There's nothing like being a bulimic 15-year-old Spence girl having sex in the maid's room of her Fifth Avenue apartment building, high on her anorexic mother's Vicodin. GET IT RIGHT bitches.

When adjectives attack

2006-03-02T12:21:00.000-05:00

Why I love Frank Bruni's reviews:

"It can be inventive and delicate: a cauliflower sformato, which is a puck
of ethereal custard, rising above a salad of grapefruit and
skate. Or simultaneously luxurious and earthy:
ravioli that are filled with a chestnut and Parmesan purée and paired with
pigeon and myrtle."

Ethereal custard? Luxurious and earthy ravioli?

Mr. Batali's love of offal finds expression in pici, a sort of fat Tuscan
spaghetti, with coxcombs, chicken livers, duck testicles and, for conventional
decadence, black truffles

I didn't realize duck testicles were part of unconventional decadence, Frank.

Also, apparently, "the arugula here makes arugula at many other restaurants seem like iceberg in drag".

Bruni also uses the word libretto. Asshole.

The art of the English language

2006-03-02T12:11:00.000-05:00

Check out the definition for testicles in the American Heritage dictionary:

"A testis, especially one contained within a scrotum."

As opposed to all those testis contained within pizza boxes.

Insert gay joke here

2006-02-28T10:14:00.000-05:00

Anderson, I love you. You were in true form last night.

Oh snap!

2006-02-27T10:26:00.001-05:00

Today Lloyd Grove reports that a former roomate of Ms. Jennifer Aniston has come out to tell the world about Jennifer's nasty, bitchy, occasionally skanky actress ways. Some highlights Ms. Nancy Balbirer shares:

- Jen would give herself bikini waxes while lying upside-down on the couch.
- Jen advised Nancy to try and be 'more f—able' on auditions, and to buy chicken cutlets at the Food Emporium to stuff her bra. Jane iced her nipples before auditions, and lamented her big butt and her nose, which she said 'came from her Greek half.'
- Jen moved to Los Angeles, got liposuction, a nose job and a hairline adjustment, and lost a lot of weight after going on NutriSlim. Nancy recounted a trip to L.A. where she asked to stay with her old friend, but instead Jane named some hotels, telling Nancy not to be so desperate, because it's unattractive, especially in a town like L.A. OH SNAP!

Ok I definitely believe the nipple thing since her headlights were always on during Friends. Way to be a bitch though, Jen. Gotta love it!

Oh snap!

2006-02-27T10:26:00.000-05:00

Bigmouth strikes again

2006-02-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

Page Six is reporting that after Morrissey called Prez Bush a terrorist, he got questioned by the FBI and British Intelligence.

Morrissey reportedly answered each question by saying, "Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said by every right Bush should be bludgeoned in his bed". After questioning, in a press conference, he simply said "Now I know how Joan of Arc felt".

Oh no he didn't!

2006-02-23T16:13:00.000-05:00

Now I don't usually go all political but way to go, Mr. President.

Bush: 'People don't need to worry about security'

I know that he was talking about the port in Dubai but the guy should know the press is going to take that quote and run with it.

Also, is it me or is his nose all red like an alcoholic's here?

Letterman is so good sometimes

2006-02-23T10:32:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Reasons Not to Go Hunting with Dick Cheney:
10. Jack Daniels
9. Makers Mark
8. Old Crow
7. Old Grandad
6. Old Forester
5. Jim Beam
4. Rebel Yell
3. Canadian Club
2. Southern Comfort

And the Number One Reason not to go hunting with Dick Cheney: Wild Turkey.

Preventing username violence after cartoon violence

2006-02-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

In our ever sensitive world, Yahoo has banned "Allah", "Osama" and "Binladen" from being allowed in user names.
Some things that are allowed: god, messiah, jesus, jehova, buddah, satan and both priest and pedophile.

In other words, the usernames GodIsAPedophile or Priest4Pedophile are okay, but PraiseAllah is not. Yeah, that makes sense.

Quite possibly the best description ever

2006-02-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

Today's Thursdays Styles features an article by everyone's favorite rich lady writer, Alex Kuczynski. Her article discusses the changing face of St John. In transitioning from Eileen Fisher-esque knitwear to sexier, more under-50 friendly pieces, they've hired Angelina Jolie as their spokesperson and have obviously decided to appeal to the youth market. In describing one of these more 20 something oriented pieces, Ms. Alex writes

A bright aqua leather jacket with decorative grommets ($1,295) looked like
something a former Vegas showgirl married to the local Cadillac dealer might
wear as she approaches her seventh decade to show that she has still Got It.

Best. Description. Ever.

Next week: lesbians don't all live in Park Slope

2006-02-21T09:21:00.000-05:00

Today's New York Times Metro Section has an article about the increasingly widespread use of crystal meth among gay men of all races.

Like AIDS itself, which was once largely confined to the world of white gay men,
the abuse of crystal meth is beginning to find favor among those who live far
from Chelsea.

First of all, doesn't anyone at the Times know that meth is the biggest drug epidemic in America, being used more often than even marijuana? Secondly, since when do all gay men live in Chelsea, New York Times? C'mon now.

In 1999 I used Juno

2006-02-18T18:42:00.000-05:00

Another Craigslist winner. Could this secretly be Bob Pittman? Nothing says sexy like an ISP.

My IM address is eternalrecurrenc, will even show you my cock. oh yes---the
IM provider I use is through america online.

Yeah baby!

2006-02-18T18:36:00.000-05:00

Whoever wrote this craigslist post should be put out of their misery

do you want to shag now or shag later ... baby - 28
Reply to: pers-135033395@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-02-18, 5:23PM EST

you guessed it, i'm a cross between austin powers and james bond. of course, the shagging depends on whether you like men of mystery and extreme confidence. sophistication and gentlemanly manners may not be your thing, so feel free to move on. for those few who understand the finer things in life, let's meet for a martini (s.n.s) and caviar and allow our adventure to begin.
this is in or around my pad

La-di-Lohan

2006-02-15T18:11:00.001-05:00

Lohan channels Annie Hall in the new Premiere.

La-di-Lohan

2006-02-15T18:11:00.000-05:00

Lohan channels Annie Hall in the new Premiere.

Since when were stoners so motivated?

2006-02-15T11:44:00.000-05:00

After the tragic bust of the Cartoon Network, a select group of stoners have started a campaign to Set Cartoon Free, focusing on how silly marijuana laws are and complaining about jailing Hector, that dealer everyone knows who once came to your door in a Razor scooter and you guys totally bonded that one time right?

So go forth, young, affluent, motivated stoners and buy a Set Cartoon Free t-shirt! Don't let the bud burglar get you!

Degrassi cyberlove episode tk

2006-02-14T16:06:00.000-05:00

A new study reports that 87% of young Canadians admit to having virtual sex - either online or on the phone. Kinky, eh?

And I quote:

For some who feel more comfortable approaching people online than at a bar "it's
a social lubricant," while others prefer the anonymity "to explore sex in ways
they wouldn't in real life," he added.

Yeah, good decision using the word lubricant there, buddy.

Anna Anna Anna, Anna Wintour (she's so fabulous!)

2006-02-10T14:53:00.000-05:00

Normally I'd never make fun of someone for looking fat but ha ha, Anna Wintour, you need a fucking chin tuck for your TURKEY NECK you fat slut.

Don't even try to cover up that turkey neck with your sleek bob and multilayered furs. You're oooooooooooooooooold.

And I know you're thinking il fait froid! il fait froid! And you just wish your turkey neck would warm the rest of you up, don't you, Anna? don't you!

Give Couric the bird

2006-02-09T12:53:00.000-05:00

This screen cap makes life worth living.

In fashion, you are either in or you are out.

2006-02-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

Scary bobble head meets pissed off German former model.

The best part of this photo is the happy go lucky Asian looking at the terrifying twosome.

Publicity stunt of the week

2006-02-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

If you have a question you'd like Ellen DeGeneres to ask Madonna when she appears on Ellen next week, you can submit it here

Some questions I've submitted:

- Is "Like a Virgin" really about giving blow jobs?
- Early in your career, your family's Catholicism influenced your music. Now that you practice kabbalah, do you think you might write a song called "Papa don't kvell?"
- Who's your favorite celebutard?
- What do you tell your kids about sex?
- Do you like being a gay icon? If not, why is your new album the fag anthem of the year?

and so on

When the publicist's away, the retards will say...

2006-02-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

From today's Page Six

"Come on, dude, you know what I'm looking at. I couldn't take my eyes off
that ass. I'm sorry. She's beautiful. And she's such a pain in my ass, too. But
that's what I love about her. She's the kind of girl you just want to have angry
sex with for the rest of your life because it's just that good." - Paul Walker
on Jessica Alba

Yeah dude, I mean, I just wanted to, like, give her a rufie and put a sock in her mouth so I couldn't hear that fuckin annoying voice. Then I'd just like turn her around and pound that ass good... oh hell yeah. Then I'd take the sock out and if she tried to talk, I'd just shut her up with my cock. Damn that bitch is hizzot.

When critics take ecstacy...

2006-02-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

Today's New York Times features a review of Monday's wonderful, grungy, poetic collection for Fall 2006. Yes, the collection was beautiful and interesting. However, sentences like this are only written when fashion critics take ecstacy:

It was that the clothes were beautiful, and that in all those erratic layers — a
taupe military jacket over a cream sweater with a leopard print skirt over loose
trousers — an American designer had accurately captured the fractured quality of
contemporary life.

In other words, Ms. Horyn seems to think that wearing a bunch of mismatched shit is a visual symbol for blue state vs. red state. Yeah, okay. And when I wear my black work pants with a vintage t-shirt, I'm blending high and low culture, corporate and punk, in a hyperbolic homage to camp.

In describing other looks, Ms. Horyn wrote:

Loose tops suggested sweatshirts, and under a number of skirts (in
steel-gray leather or animal-printed velvet) were glen plaid trousers or leg
warmers, which were crunched over snub-nose pumps slightly turned up at the toes
like a doll's shoe left on a radiator. Black chiffon evening dresses, their
backs scattered with sequins, had a fragile beauty.

Sweatshirts and leg warmers and animal print oh my!

Like a doll's shoe left on a radiator? Um, sign me up for whatever experimental drug you're taking, Ms. Horyn.

Slow news day?

2006-02-07T16:38:00.000-05:00

Right now on CNN.com

I really do want to watch the angry face off as journalist probes puppy abuse.

These are her confessions of a broken heart

2006-02-07T16:17:00.000-05:00

Check out Lohan with her fam at the Child magazine Fashion Week runway show.

She looks genuinely happy. Cute. This is way sweeter than this week's Star magazine's collage of drunk Lindsay

Further proof that hipsters are retarded

2006-02-07T16:06:00.000-05:00

Picture it: fashion week. Imitation of Christ launches a denim line. Instead of a runway show, they choose to have their "models" stand in the windows of Barneys. This is what occurs.

I know it's clever to have the models taking pictures of the short, badly done up Rachel Dratch but that is just wrong looking.

The ultimate in excess

2006-02-07T15:46:00.000-05:00

People who own this should be shot. It's just that simple.

Another reason I love Jon Pareles

2006-02-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

After his genius article "The Case Against Coldplay", NYT music critic Jon Pareles has written consistently interesting reviews and cultural commentary. Today, he reviewed the Rolling Stones' performance at the Super Bowl Halftime Show, which I thought was a little depressing. Pareles discussed how ABC censored the Stones' lyrics (not surprising after nipplegate). This is possibly the most genius sentence ever in a music review:

As the band played, the vocal suddenly went silent for one word each in
"Start Me Up" and "Rough Justice," a song from the latest Stones album. Each
unheard word was a sexual reference. But then again, so was most of the Stones'
miniset

To boot, Pareles included this amazing tidbit:

The Super Bowl, under protest, had been forced to lift its initial age
limit of 45 for the standing-room fans who wanted to get close to the
Stones
Case closed, Pareles is awesome.

Blind item unveiled

2006-02-03T15:50:00.000-05:00

Stripper from queens? Denise Richards!

Our butt sex lovin' cartoon voice? Brittany Murphy who did King of the Hill. Alternate answer is Mila Kunis but I don't buy it.

The first rule of death cheese club is don't talk about death cheese club.

2006-02-03T14:11:00.000-05:00

According to today's Daily News, a Staten Island school bus driver allegedly forced his middle school to enact a game called "Death Cheese Club" which basically combined Star Wars overtones and a Fight Club mentality.

A 38-year-old bald "Star Wars" geek who called himself The Emperor formed a
fight club on his Staten Island school bus - encouraging kids to descend into
the dark side and beat their classmates, authorities said yesterday.

Now, call me silly, but don't you think that the bus driver's baldness is the least comment worthy thing in the entire article? And if one does feel it necessary to point it out, at least make a Chewbacca-envy joke. Come on, Daily News!

Some unbelievably fucked up details:
- Bus driver Michael Cianci created The Death Cheese Club to keep order and gave the toughest of the middle school kids nicknames like Darth, Sith Warrior and Jabba, law enforcement sources said.
-The bus driver is married with children yet lives with his mom. I'd imagine he lives in the basement and his mom brings him down Doritos on a regular basis.
- The wanna-be storm troopers pounded on weaker kids, dished out noogies and even cut up one another's clothing with scissors.

Some questions:
- Why is Cheese involved?
- Is there a hot 14 year old named Leia involved?
- Why didn't they buy light sabers instead of just using scissors?
- What are the laws of the Death Cheese Club?
- Who the hell is Lord Matt?

Holy crazy dude.

TGI Friday Blind Items

2006-02-03T09:49:00.000-05:00

From Page Six:
WHICH sexy actress was more than just a fashion model before she married a handsome actor and had his kids? This beauty was dumped by her agency when her bookers learned she was stripping in a Queens joint for extra cash . . . WHICH newly single sexpot bedded a cad-about-town - who has already slept with several starlets of lesser wattage - after a boozy night at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood? . . . WHICH actress who voiced a popular cartoon series is said to be a slam-dunk in the sack for Hollywood party boys who prefer a certain kind of sex act?

1) Holy shit I have no idea and NEED TO KNOW
2) Newly single sexpot = Jessica Simpson. Cad-about-town who sleeps with lots of the h'w ladies = Adam Levine from Maroon 5. Plus there is totally photodocumentation of their boning after a night at Teddy's
3) What actresses who do cartoons party and have butt sex? Again, need to know.

Dial-a-Hilton

2006-02-02T15:02:00.000-05:00

Her mailbox is full, but if you feel like texting Nicky Hilton, her number is 917 929 0223.

Have fun, kids.

Blogging about blogging: the meta continues

2006-02-02T11:23:00.000-05:00

I just discovered Anderson Cooper 360 has a blog on cnn.com. In it, we can read about his Blackberry problems, love of Kiehls products and fear of bomb sniffing dogs. Additionally, other CNN correspondents post their innermost thoughts. For example, Christian Amanpour, my favorite journo ever, recently posted about her visit to Iran. Unfortunately, this allowed us readers to learn that Christian loves herself some exclamation points. In her narrative, she wrote:

One day, I head underground to listen to...a ROCK BAND!!!!

OMG did u hear the white stripes at the turbaninn????

I <3 Jack White!!!

;>)

A Lohan of one's own

2006-02-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

A blog has leaked some of the alleged info from Lohan's diary.

Highlights included:

- Lindsay had just taken a “©” [Lohan for “blow”?] and felt a little woozy.
- She contemplates her needs and wants just like all of us pathetic slobs. But
unlike us, she wonders whether or not she wants Jared Leto…
- There are issues with the former Jordan Catalano’s, um, member being a bit too large; sex is suffering.
- Lindsay likens the size conflict to the feeling of squeezing into tiny new Jimmy Choos.

I love Lohan's metaphor. I know just what she's sayin.

Gay is the new Jewish

2006-02-01T17:03:00.000-05:00

Nothing makes me happier than two hot, British (ish) dudes making out. Especially when its Jude and Johnny R-M. Or Jonny L-M. I can't really tell.

Yum squared.

Page Six vs. Gawker round 2

2006-02-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

As reported earlier, Page Six debuted its new nickname for Paris Hilton (celebutard) today. Further proving that retard is the new bitch, Gawker was not to be one-upped and referred to our l'il Lohan as a retard, mentioning her "ongoing battle with retardation".

Pro-Page Six - earlier publication time
Anti-Page Six - celebutwat is easy to use for more celebs
Pro-Gawker - the phrase "ongoing battle with retardation" is downright brilliant.
Anti-Gawker - using the retard insult later in the day than Page Six.

Winner of round two: GAWKER. Their sheer writing prowess cannot be ignored.

It's like yeah, motherfuckers, I'm fine Pt 3

2006-02-01T09:20:00.000-05:00

Since my gossiping wouldn't be complete without discussion of Lindsay Lohan, I feel badly that I did not discuss what CNN is calling the "teacup incident" -- our l'il Lohan had to get stiches after -- wait for it-- tripping while climbing up the stairs, post-shower lotioned up and carrying a teacup on the way to eat some breakfast in Bryan Adam's home. There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I don't even know where to start.

First of all, why was she in Bryan "Summer of 69" Adam's home?

Secondly, why did she shower there?

Thirdly, since when does Lohan eat breakfast? Heffer.

Fourthly, her mom reported this story to Star. Was Dina Lohan partying with Bryan Adams? I bet he totally tapped that mom ass.

Finally, did she use Bryan Adam's lotion? Was he mad? Or does she carry her own lotion with her?

Page Six vs Gawker, round 1

2006-02-01T09:15:00.000-05:00

Today, Page Six patented a new nickname for Paris Hilton: Celebutard.

Earlier, Gawker nicknamed her Celebutwat.

Which is better?

They're both so good. Paris Hilton's is really perfect for her, but other famous for being famous folks are better described as Celebutwats. I'm torn on this one. I'd say in round one, its a tie. You best step it up a notch, Jessica Coen.

Where's BD Wong?

2006-01-31T17:03:00.000-05:00

A nice, safe commute

2006-01-31T09:30:00.000-05:00

On the subway this morning I stood next to a guy reading a catalog for GLOCK handguns. To add to the confusion, he was wearing a Verizon sweatshirt. Awesome.

The most depressing way to grocery shop

2006-01-31T09:26:00.000-05:00

Fresh Direct is offering a special Valentine's Day menu for the brokenhearted. Its items are separated into 5 convenient categories -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Someone please explain why "crab dip" is in the anger section. Unless fresh direct wants to associate its fresh fish with STDs.

I'm going to go eat my feelings now. Thanks, Fresh Direct.

A whole new literary genre has just been created

2006-01-30T16:25:00.000-05:00

So apparently, there is fan fic about reality contestants out there. When Santino from Project Runway opened up comments on his blog, he invited in a world of creepy, gay, fashion loving, porn writing weirdos like this anonymous poster who wrote a multi page story about Andrae and Daniel hooking up.

Some choice moments:

Andrae gives Daniel this smile, soft and hazy and secretive,
and Daniel's almost disappointed when Franco's bed is empty.
Daniel and Andrae can't stop laughing, because over in their
apartment Santino is stomping around the place like a six-foot toddler and here
they are in Emmett's suite fucking each other all over the goddamn place.
Something about the whole thing is hysterically funny, because Santino's too
busy acting like a spoiled brat to get lucky during the show and Nick's
distracting everyone like he's living vicariously through their sex life or
something. But none of it matters, really, because they've got two hours before
Emmett and Nick come back and there's a time limit on how many places they can
utterly defile in Emmett's suite.

Um.. yeah. Awesome.

Teen TV Conspiracy Theory #1

2006-01-30T15:15:00.000-05:00

A few months back, Degrassi: The Next Generation featured an episode during which Paige, a generally put together student, freaked out about upcoming college applications and her personal life and therefore decided to smoke the pot on the day of her high school's college fair.

This past Thursday, The OC featured an episode during which Seth Cohen, a generally put together (but neurotic) student, freaked out about upcoming college interviews and therefore decided to smoke the pot on the day of his interview with Brown.

Now, is my #2 most beloved teen drama stealing stories from my #1 most beloved teen drama?? Crazy.

New York Times editorial has gender issues

2006-01-30T14:32:00.000-05:00

From "How Oprahness Trumped Truthiness" by David Carr, NY Times, 1/30/2006

Even after the Smoking Gun (www.thesmokinggun.com) blew giant holes in Mr. Frey's version of his life, Mr. Winfrey continued to defend him — calling in during "Larry King Live" in his defense — until it was clear that it was not just his reputation that was taking a pounding.

I guess even the New York Times factchecker thinks Oprah has a big ole dick.

This is an error far and Alessandra Stanley's usual oopsies.

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante

2006-01-30T14:23:00.000-05:00

At right, a picture from a protest against Dish Network, which stopped running Lifetime ("television for women") after a rate increase from the network. Housewives everywhere were outraged, no bon bon could dull the pain. Many took to impromptu Sex and the City marathons and drowned their sorrows in Cosmos. Some proactive women, as we see here, decided to protest.

Because there's nothing more essential for American women to protest than Lifetime.

On an uplifting note, at least these ladies remember how to protest.

Monday mornings made way better by blind items

2006-01-30T09:34:00.000-05:00

From today's Page Six:
WHICH British actor is said to be battling the dual demons of crystal meth and heroin? He already underwent a top-secret rehab stay, but his handlers are worried about him again after his zombie-like appearance at a recent awards gala.

Hm... well what Brit actors were at recent award shows? Johnathan Rhys Meyers is the only one I can think of, unless they think Colin Farrell qualifies as Brit... but was he zombie like? hm.

BEST HUMP DAY PRESENT EVER

2006-01-25T17:04:00.000-05:00

Look what I just bought (thanks Gawker, I fucking love you guys)

Shout out to my Lohan. Love you girl!!!

Interacial teen drama tk

2006-01-24T12:19:00.000-05:00

Breaking from the Hollywood Reporter: UPN and the WB will unite to become the CW network.

Things CW might stand for:
Crackers and Wiggers
Crunk Women
Caucasians Win
Coveting Walmart
Crackhead Wives

In other television news, "My Name Is Earl" production was shut down because Jason Lee has chicken pox. In an effort to once again beat out NBC, CBS shut down production of CSI because Marge Helgenberger had a boo boo.

Thank god for blind item Mondays

2006-01-23T09:22:00.000-05:00

Today's Page Six Just Asking:
WHICH model-actress-whatever has some problems in the hygiene department? Famous for showing flesh and flashing smiles at all the chicest parties, this downtown wild child has a certain scent about her. Snotty scenesters blame it on her foreign upbringing, but she was raised here in the city . . . WHICH aging actress who claims that her strangely youthful face has been untouched by a surgeon's scalpel practically has a house account at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's office? . . . WHICH A-list actress who is having trouble getting pregnant might have her mild case of anorexia to blame?

1) Who has foreign parents/a foreign thing about her but grew up in the city? Crap I don't know this one. Now I hate myself. Any ideas? I'll be thinking about it all day...

2) My first guess would be all of them but either Susan Sarandon or Demi Moore

3) Ohh, Jennifer Aniston?? What other A-list actresses have pregnancy problems and went through weight loss (see Friends season 1 vs Friends season 10).

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on tv

2006-01-23T09:06:00.000-05:00

From yesterday's New York Times editorial
"Family Values on Fox" is a scathing review of American Idol, arguing that the show enjoys making fun of the weak.

People devote untold hours to worrying about the sexual orientation of cartoon
characters, but nobody seems disturbed that more than 30 million American
households watch a "family" show that picks out hapless, and frequently
helpless, contestants solely for famous and powerful judges to make fun of them
on national television.

Yes, anonymous editorial writer. Good on you for noticing that Americans take pleasure in other people's pain and that "American Idol" is a prime example of policing behavior.

But, that's besides the point. If Fox didn't tell us what was acceptable behavior (being pretty is cool, being gay is lame) Americans might actually be able to form opinions of their own. And let's face it, that would hurt Rupert Murdoch.

Did they request a parlez?

2006-01-23T08:57:00.000-05:00

Breaking news -- Passengers of the luxury cruise ship the Queen Mary 2 (where suites can cost 3000$/night) are threatening mutiny as a way to protest their anger at a last minute change in itinerary.

The unhappy passengers actually requested a parlez (for those who haven't watch Pirates of the Caribbean 300 times, a meeting with the captain) to discuss the protest.

"We have been lied to and misled," Berg, 63, of Manchester, England, said. "Argh, shiver me timbers."

Office politics

2006-01-20T15:19:00.000-05:00

For the sake of anonymity, let's just say I work at a mainstream African American television station that's part of a larger conglomerate. Maybe my employer even has the word "Black" in its company name. So, here I am, going to get some office supplies when I discover that the brand of pencils that my company uses is none other than BLACK WARRIOR.

There's a picture below in case you don't believe me.

Lunchtime Poll

2006-01-20T13:05:00.000-05:00

You're on a desert island (for a limited amount of time, with supplies, but alone), what drug, CD, DVD and book would you bring?

Well, it had to happen.

2006-01-20T10:34:00.000-05:00

The moment we've all been waiting for: BAREBACK MOUNTAIN has been produced.

To purchase it or check out some nasty screen caps, click here.

My media diet

2006-01-20T09:54:00.000-05:00

Eric C. Deggans, the awesome TV critic at the St Petersburg Times, has published an article discussing the argument for a balanced media consumption. He discusses how many have compared media consumption to the food pyramid.

Read the article here

In honor of this idea, I have created my own media pyramid, showing what I consume on a daily basis.

If you're really interested, this is a more detailed account of my habits:

Newspapers: New York Times (online except on Sundays) and The New York Post (online - www.pagesix.com is really all I read)

Magazines: Weeklies - The New Yorker, New York, Time Out New York, Star, Us, Newsweek if I'm ambitious.
Monthlies - Vanity Fair, Vogue, Nylon, W, Spin (depending on the cover), Vice
News websites (non blog): cnn.com, The Drudge Report, MediaBistro, AP Entertainment news

Blogs: Gawker, Defamer, Wonkette, Pink Is The New Blog, Perez Hilton, Shit Parade, Last Night's Party, Socialite Life, Product Shop, Vh1 Best Week Ever blog.

TV: An admittedly obscenely long list of things I watch every week
Sunday -- Family Guy, American Dad, Grey's Anatomy, The L Word
Monday -- I watch divo'ed reruns (see below)
Tuesday -- House
Wednesday -- Lost, Veronica Mars, Project Runway
Thursday -- The OC, CSI
Friday -- Degrassi, Instant Star, South of Nowhere (ok I love The-N)
Saturday -- reruns

Things I Divo the reruns of: My So Called Life, Dawson's Creek, Buffy, CSI, Sopranos.
Variables - hungover consumption of VH1, MTV, old movies.

Yeah, so maybe I watch a lot of tv. It's my job, god dammit!

Thank god for page six

2006-01-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

Quote of the week:

On travel: "I was in Europe for the whole summer, and all there is is,
like, French - I didn't see anything because I wasn't in America." - Paris
Hilton

Page Six also managed to answer its own blind item today:

Hilton claims Graff once told friends of Mariana Kourkoulos, mother of their
shared ex, Paris Latsis, that Hilton had worked as a "prostitute" on
billion-nerd Paul Allen's yacht during the 2005 Cannes Film Festival. And that's just for starters
Yeah, Paul Allen couldn't possibly be the skeevy billionaire who likes the escorts on his yacht.

Because Page Six wants to make January a happier month, they've offered a THIRD Just Asking this week! Hell to the yeah.

WHICH foreign-born action star has a sexual split personality? The actor
recently visited a bar in L.A., ordered a drink and told the bartender,
"Tonight, you see me like a tiger." Many drinks later, he was seen making out
with another man. Many, many drinks after that, he was caught indulging in a
lewd act in the men's room . . . WHICH art gallerist's relationship with his
girlfriend took a nose dive when she caught him watching gay porn? . . . WHICH
prefab pop cutie has a bad habit of getting drunk and blurting out that she once
had an abortion?

#1 - This one took me a while but I'm guessing Eric Bana -- he's an Aussie and one of the few foreign born action stars I can think of. More importantly, the clue here seems to be "split personality" -- his most famous character, The Hulk, is a split personality type role.

#2 boring. what art gallerist doesn't watch gay porn?

#3 what's up with abortions this week, page six? Okay clue here - prefab. Since I don't even know what that means (unless it means before fabulous?) I had to start with the dictionary. Apparently, prefab means "prefabricated". In other words, a manufactured pop star. Thus, Kelly Clarkson.

News in review

2006-01-20T09:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is about the fucking coolest thing to ever happen. There's a WHALE in the Thames! Holy shit.
I mean I feel badly for the whale because that's dangerous and all (especially since it has been recorded that there is more cocaine in the Thames than any other river) but still, its pretty amazing.

In other news, Wilson Pickett, the awesome singer who wrote "Mustang Sally" and "In The Midnight Hour" died. Oh, I guess he had to put his flat feet on the ground.

Proud to be a Spencie, part 3

2006-01-18T15:04:00.000-05:00

In continuing coverage of Lexi Lehmann, I just discovered that she is a member of the group "VodKa & OJ" on MySpace.

She is the best alcohol-free club promoter ever.

Reason #23: because she's best as Rollergirl

2006-01-18T11:43:00.000-05:00

ABC has put production of awful, vagina-friendly sitcom "Emily's Reasons Why Not" on hold after embarrassingly bad ratings its first week, reports Yahoo.

Less surprisingly, Malcome in the Middle and That 70s Show will both end in May.

Yup, the sitcom is dead.

TomKat: The best birthday ever

2006-01-18T10:14:00.000-05:00

Tom Cruise gave his wonderful, lovely lady friend Kate "what the hell happened to you, Joey Potter?" Holmes a truly mindblowing birthday present this year. No, not a golden turkey baster. A collection of DVDs. What DVDs, you might ask? No, not a how to on silent birth or a collector's edition of Battlefield Earth, but a DVD collection of EVERY FILM HE HAS EVER ACTED IN. Because if she pauses at the right moment in All The Right Moves she might get to see his dick for the first and only time.

Destroying my DiVo

2006-01-18T10:03:00.000-05:00

From Media Bistro:

On-Demand TV to Include Embedded Advertising (NYT)
Comcast plans to introduce a video-on-demand channel today that will
include advertising embedded in the programming. The new channel, to be called
Exercise TV, is the latest attempt by cable companies to generate revenue from
on-demand programming.

Ok so I used Exercise TV yesterday and the embedded advertising is at the very end of the program, when you're done with the workout. In the yoga segment I did, they basically cut it off and say "for more yoga" or something along those lines, and tell you how to buy the video. Now, call me cynical but this is idiotic -- why would you buy the video when you get the damn thing for free on demand?? Even if there is more to the video, this seems silly. People who are watching Exercise on Demand aren't exactly the most motivated athletes who are going to bolt to the video store to buy stuff. But, bravo to Comcast for conning the idiots at Exercise TV into thinking this will work.

Hump day blind items reference just that

2006-01-18T09:03:00.000-05:00

Today's apocolyptic rain was made more tolerable by today's Page Six including MORE blind items, items far juicier than Gay Aiken's semen. PS I just made myself gag.

WHICH cuckolded cutie suffered an additional heartbreak
when she decided to abort her child? . . . WHICH downtown photographer, a descendant of one of the nation's wealthiest families, has his art world pals worried sick about his newfound fixation with shooting heroin? . . . WHICH high-tech billionaire keeps his massive yacht stocked with expensive escorts? . . . WHICH pop strumpet preferred a certain kind of sexual intercourse, which let her technically maintain her virgin status, with her various hookups before she married her current husband?
Okay, item #1: did Jennifer Aniston abort the Brannifer? No, wait, Sienna got rid of another Lawbaby.
Item #2: So, is Ryan McGinley from an old wealthy family? I'm
researching this one before I finalize my guess.
#3: who cares, boring, probably Paul Allen.
#4: this is where I got really excited. Is it Brit Brit or Jessica Simpson??? They both claimed virginity pre marriage, but Brit Brit took it back later. Plus Justin Timberlake came out talking about oral sex with Brit a few years ago... The phrase "current husband" indicates that this husband might be the second (Brit Brit) or one on the outs (Lachey-Jessica). My guess? Both have had many swordfights in their mouth. What would make this far more interesting would be if the certain kind of sexual intercourse were butt sex.
Any other ideas?
EDIT: Based on a brilliant comment, I'd like to discuss the "various hookups" part of the technical virgin pop tart blind item. Yes, Brit Brit was linked to various partners before her marriage and I had thought about that before. My main problem with putting this one on Brit is that she already came out and said the virgin thing was a publicity tactic, so why is this blind item a big deal? It would be way more interesting if it was Jessica who is oh so pure, even if we don't know who her various hookups were. Conclusion? Again, they're both well trained at playing the skin flute.

Edit 2: Yay, Gawker is doing a blind item guessing game.

The Publicity Stunt of the Week

2006-01-17T10:48:00.000-05:00

Starting this week, quidnunc-a-dunk will honor the best weekly publicity stunts with the Golden Turd award.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but this week's award goes to America's favorite sexual harasser, Bill O'Reilly, who is opening his "no spin zone" to viewers with a contest titled "BLOVIATE WITH BILL". Starting this week, viewers can write in an email to mailto:tooreillycontest@foxnews.com including their desired debate topic. In a press release, O'Reilly snarkily declared, "You want a piece of me, well, here's your chance".

If you don't have anything intelligent to say, don't say anything at all. part 27

2006-01-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

Today's AdAge column header: A BLOGGER IS JUST A WRITER WITH A COOLER NAME

Today's potential Quidnunc-A-Dunk column: NEGROES ARE JUST AFRICAN AMERICANS WITH A MORE RACIST NAME.

Because I should be working at US magazine

2006-01-17T09:44:00.000-05:00

I now bring you my personal reactions to some of last night's Golden Globe outfits.

The Eat A Fuckin Sandwich award goes to Ellen Pompeo, who looks like her bobble head was placed on an ugly ass boho dress hung on a wire hanger.

Teri Hatcher was a close runner up.

The whoa, you look like a whory divorcee award goes to Geena Davis.

The most appealing couple who take the F train award goes to Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger, of course.

.

The best anal beads on a former pop star award goes to Mandy Moore, who graciously thanked me but wouldn't tell me if they had been used by her boyf, Zach Braff. "We like to keep our personal lives personal," she said.

The man who looks most like my proverbial cousin Moishe award goes to Steven Spielberg, who is just such a ~~mensch~~ douchebag.

Finally, Alanis Morrisette gets special recognition and a lifetime achievement award because changing your hair color does not make you stop looking like a big ugly penis.

In other categories, Gwyneth Paltrow beat out Emmy Rossum as best dressed former Spencie and Patrick Dempsey beat out both Matthew Fox and Hugh Laurie for best dressed man I'd like to play doctor with.

Tumultuous gossip Tuesday!

2006-01-17T09:26:00.000-05:00

Oh no! Could it be that Gay Aiken has gotten caught again?

From Page Six's blind item "Just Asking" yesterday:

WHICH pop-singing sensation likes to troll the Internet for gay quickies? After
one unsafe session, his homo hook-up contacted a tabloid to sell his sordid
story and offered a DNA-encrusted washcloth as proof. If the truth comes out,
the singing idol's fans, mostly middle-aged housewives, will be very upset . . .

I think Page Six just did the worst masking of a blind item ever. Especially since Perez Hilton has all the info up without any masked info. It's not like anyone thought Clay was straight anyway.

In JEWS ARE TOTALLY AWESOME news, Oprah's new book club pick is Elie Wiesel's holocaust memoir Night. America has responded mazel tov and Night's sales on Amazon.com moved from No.56,439 in sales ranking to No.21. It has been reported that next month, Wiesel and Big Opes will visit Auschvitz together. Simon & Schuster will publish Oprah's new diet book, The Auschvitz Diet: Turning Tragedy into Triumph in time for Hannukah 2006.

Aunt Flo comes to town just in time for MLK Day!

2006-01-15T18:33:00.000-05:00

OOPS! Mischa, I feel for you, girl.

And they say journalism is in decline

2006-01-15T17:05:00.000-05:00

Today's CNN.com poll:

Would you take a pill designed to erase bad memories from your mind?
Yes
No
or View Results

Today's quidnunc-a-dunk poll:

Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Proud to be a Spencie, Part 2

2006-01-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

Today's New York Times style section featured an article about Crush, aka baby Marquee, that teen night club promoted by Lexi Lehmann of Spence/Lizzie Grubman PR fame. Our lil Lexi describes the nomadic nature of private school social life, saying

"We go to a friend's house. Or you see groups of kids wandering up and down Park Avenue at night."

Yes, Lexi. Life is really hard being an affluent teen in New York. This issue is further explored on baby Marquee's My Space profile, which includes the poignant comment

Crush is the hot spot to be! You know those nights where you're out on the
street with 10 of your friends, freezing your ass off and mortified that you're
the one on the street cause you used to walk by big groups of the kids doing
exactly what you're doing now and think "don't they have a life"....... yeah
well when you're in that situation you go to Crush..... or to dance..... or to
meet hot guys (there arre INCREDIBLY hot guys there)... or girlsseriously, its
"hoppin".... hope you get it Lexi

But wait, what's up with the lack of fake ids? I was going to clubs when I was 15. Could it be that our little enterprising PR girl is a liar? As Gawker already exposed,Lexi's MySpace involves a picture of her with a caption that used to read "hungover..hence sunglasses.” and now simply says "shoutout to Gawker".

This whole thing makes me want to pull a Never Been Kissed style Josie Grossie moment and infultrate Spence as an awkward new student in order to understand their world. I'd really prefer if Alessandra Stanley did it though, since I already spent 6 years at Spence.

In other My Space news, Blackface Jesus posted a comment on Last Night's Party creator Merlin Bronques' profile saying that he wanted to do an urban pinup in the subway. I can't even wait for this future feat of photographic fantasy.

2006-01-13T17:40:00.000-05:00

That's all for this week. I have to go rub one out now.

It's like yeah I'm okay motherfuckers

2006-01-13T16:46:00.000-05:00

Okay I was going to mock the New York Time's article about a party bus but then I read Gawker and they basically said exactly what I was going to say, verbatim. Damn you, Jessica Coen for waking up before me to snark.

Here's what she said Dude, what are you doing tonight? Oh, shit,
you don’t have plans? Awesome, ‘cause T-Brah just booked this totally bumping
Party Bus for tonight! Seriously, yo: this fucking bus, man, it’ll pick you up
and take you wherever you want. Like, Murray Hill and the Meatpacking District
and all that hotness. But, swear, you’re not even gonna want to leave the bus.
You can fucking smoke and drink in that bitch, yeah, whatever you want. We’re
all going, and Rob even called those two strippers — yeah, the Tampa girls, you
KNOW it — to come along, ‘cause this motherfucker has POLES in it! The entire
pledge class is signed up for tonight — aw, God, it’s gonna be so awesome.
The Drinks on the Bus: Round After Round
[NYT]

Anyway... I may get to have a spinal tap next week. Not
like the "In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing... " kind.

It's going to be a total fucking PARTY.

In the realm of no-fucking-shit, a plastic surgeon (who does not treat either Pitt or Jolie) has come out and said that chances are, the baby Brang will be beautiful.

"Dr. Lawrence Reed, a New York City-based plastic surgeon, said the
child’s good genes will in all likelihood make his services unnecessary.
“You have a very beautiful mother with great bone structure,” said Reed. “You
have a very handsome father with excellent bone structure and facial features.
The genetic prediction would make this child have a greater chance by far of
being what everyone would consider an attractive baby, an attractive person.”
Reed said he predicts Brangelina’s baby will be “much taller” than Pitt, who
stands at 6 feet, and the 5 feet, 7 inches Jolie. “The eyes will be incredible,”
he said. “I can’t see this ever not working out.”

Um, thanks Dr. Reed. In other breaking news, Dr. George Murphy, an LA based nutritionist, said that Sean Preston will in all likelihood love cheetos.

So much gossip...

2006-01-12T17:01:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what to do with all the amazing gossip going around these days...

Let's start with Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss going to Scores and then The Dark Room. At the Dark Room, Linds went to the bathroom and decided to write "Scarlet is a bloody cunt". On the wall. [go to gawker for details] PS: I hate myself for not being at the Dark Room on Tuesday night.

There's a Colin Farrell sex tape out there somewhere. I am afraid I'll get an std if I watch it, though.

Also, congrats to Brangelina for creating their own little baby Brang. How will Jen react? Will she sunbathe topless? Touch Vince Vaughn a lot in front of the popo zao? Cry at Koi?

Since all I've been doing is watching tv, I have some commentary on my latest viewing habits too.
- Last night's Lost was awesome. My only problem with that show is that it's only an hour long! Loves it.
- Thank GOD they got rid of the depressing menopausal lady and awkward asian RISD grad on Project Runway. They were both too pathetic for that show.
- Whatever happened to Joshua Jackson? I DEMAND MORE PACEY WITTER!
- The L Word season premiere was not so awesome. What the hell was up with Jenny's family. No reformed jewish family is like that! Ever! No jewish mom is that subservient! Lame! And Kit having menopause? zzz. However, showing Shane in a dress was hottt.
- I still miss Buffy. They've been rerunning the ones where Spike and Buffy are fighting/fucking and it's been giving me ~~shower nozzle masturbation fodder~~ happy thoughts all week.

2006-01-09T19:02:00.000-05:00

I'm still sick. I've watched about 20 movies in the past week though, go me. One of these movies was Sleuth, starring Michael Caine and Laurence Olivier. It's the awesomest most fucked up suspense film ever made. But more interestingly, the line "a jumped up pantry boy who never knew his place" is used in the film twice. Given that the film was released in 1973, this means that good ole Moz was inspired by the film and stole its dialogue for "This Charming Man. "

So...

This charming man = MICHAEL CAINE?!?!

Does that blow anyone else's mind? I mean, whoa.

Midwinter's day outside, my head started hurting...

2006-01-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sick. No postings because I'm not bored at work. I'm bored at home, popping Vicodin for my headache (thanks, Doc) and watching fabulously trashy movies like Body Double, The Magnificent Obsession and D.E.B.S.

If you'll excuse me I'm going to go read about the Lohan's ~~love of~~ struggles with bulemia and drug addiction in Vanity Fair. Grool.

Why didn't they have these when I was a kid?

2006-01-03T17:19:00.000-05:00

And now, the award for the damn-I-wish-I-asked-for-that-for-Channukah toy. The one, the only, Fisher Price ESCALADE.

Because how else can little Apple or Sean Preston ditch the Pavarottis?

I am proud to be a Spence girl.

2006-01-03T15:45:00.000-05:00

According to 3am girls (mirror.co.uk), my fellow Spencie Gwyneth Paltrow is planning on having an underwater birth for her second child. This begs the question, will it be named Algae?

In other news, Matthew McConaughey broke his collarbone while ~~surfing~~ being a total stoner.

Yesterday's blind items today.

2006-01-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's Page Six Blind item sparked a frenzied debate here at the Kleinberg house. It read:

"WHICH young Tinseltown temptresses can't seem to resist the lure of Bolivian marching powder? We are hearing so many reports these days of pretty young things dabbling in disco dust that we've made a list, which includes: a model, supposedly free of her drug woes, back on the powder, doing lines at Teddy's in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel; a stick-thin celebrity, going through a rough time, who is turning to blow for comfort; a soon-to-be single sweetheart being turned on to the drug by her new Hollywood pals; and a social climber who is friend/supplier/fellow user to them all."

So, Kate Moss is back on the c-bear and Nicole Richie is doing it again (no surprises there). But, who's the soon to be single sweetheart? My guess is Jessica Simpson. I would be surprised to learn that she hasn't given Johnny Knoxville a hum-and-coke. And, who's the supplier? I thought maybe one of those random Greek heir dudes that fucks the skeletwins. Any ideas?

This is all speculation on my part. I know nothing about anything. Don't sue me. That means you, Bert Fields. PS: Tom Cruise is gay.

With a new year comes a new blog.

2006-01-03T15:04:00.000-05:00

I know that the newspaper industry is in decline, but today's New York Times hit a new low. The head article in the Science section? "The Cute Factor". Written by, of course, a woman.

Thank you, Natalie Angier, for this masterful piece of journalism. I am forever indebted to you for teaching me that SUVs are "non-cute".

On a happier note, Ms. Angier reports that to be cute, one must have bright foreward facing eyes, a rounded face and floppy limbs. Therefore, by biological standards, both Anderson Cooper and I are considered cute. Yay!